


if it were the real me and you (this wouldn't be the right thing to do)

by krewella



Category: Cow Chop (YouTube RPF), The Creatures (Youtube RPF)
Genre: College AU, First (Real) Smut Attempt, Internalized Homophobia, James tries but Aleks is pretty fucked up, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Toxic Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-11-11 07:00:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11143263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krewella/pseuds/krewella
Summary: Aleks is your average frat boy in a mediocre college in an even more mediocre town. Everyone knows James is gay. It's a fact like the fact he takes computer science and is probably going to be filthy rich when he graduates. People more or less ignore it. Somehow Aleks can't. But he's straight, right?





	1. now the room is all hazy (we're too lost in the fumes)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! It's been awhile and I'm sorry for that. :( 
> 
> I'm in China right now on a study abroad program but I cannot put off uploading this fic any longer. It's been nearly a year in the making and it's unfortunately still unfinished. 
> 
> However, you should know this is my baby. I've worked really hard on it and I'm super nervous to post it. It's inspired by Nirvana by Sam Smith (source of the title!) and that's the vibe I want to give off with this fic. 
> 
> Please look at the warnings in the tags. Aleks is really struggling with his sexuality and he will say some uncomfortable things about being gay and potentially about James. Just keep that in mind. 
> 
> To conclude my ramblings, I'll post a chapter to see what you guys think!

Aleks woke up with a start, nearly falling off the bed when he made an effort to roll over. The ache that settled in his body shortly after his movement brought back last night’s activities. Sheer panic set in as he remembered everything. Stolen touches late into the night mingled with alcohol laden breath. Aleks was drunk; James wasn’t. James was never drunk when they were together. Aleks wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that he always was. 

He clutched the sheet covering him tightly as if it would hide the fact he was still in James’ bed. He must’ve fallen asleep; he never fell asleep afterwards. He was effectively on top on James as his bed was a tiny twin bed barely capable of fitting James by himself. Trapped by an arm around his waist, he was stuck lying against James. 

The initial panic subsided as he took in the expanse of tan skin underneath him. He barely fought off the blush as he remembered what he did last night. He wasn’t normally embarrassed by his one night stands, but he also wasn’t normally the one getting fucked. James had promised to be gentle, and he was nothing but - constantly reassuring Aleks with his words and his hands skimming over every part of his body. Aleks would easily rank the experience as one of his top ten, but the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach kept reminding him that James wasn’t a usual experience. He couldn’t be. 

Aleks allowed himself a few moments to bask in the security of James’ arms. Here, he could be just Aleks. He didn’t have to worry about what other people thought of him. Only James mattered here and James liked him for him. At least he hoped so. He desperately didn’t want to be one of James’ boy toys - he knew he wasn’t exactly James’ type, but James was known for liking a challenge. In fact, the first time Aleks met James, James had snorted and called him a twink. He had of course protested by saying he wasn’t gay and _don’t twinks have to be gay?_ James just looked him up and down again and had a sort of secretive smile that Aleks assumed he wasn’t meant to see. 

Now that he was lying on top of James, he guessed that they both had been proven wrong. 

~ 

Aleks wished that was the last time he ended up in bed with James. It would be easy to write the experience off as a drunken mishap, but Aleks found himself thinking about it more often than he really should. He found himself wanting to try new things with James - things he couldn’t do with an overeager sorority girl. 

Stumbling half dressed into James’ room left him with a sense of deja vu that twisted his stomach painfully, but then James brushed his hand at the waistband of his pants and he found he no longer cared. 

A heady mix of arousal and lack of expertise morphed the sick feeling in his stomach into something he wasn’t sure he had felt before. 

When he fumbled, James snorted and shoved his wandering hands away to take care of the clothing situation himself. 

Aleks wound his fingers in James’ hair once they had finally gotten undressed. God, he loved James’ hair. He remembered being almost fixated on it the first time. James didn’t understand his obsession - he had grown it out to spite everyone telling him he should cut it. 

James made a move to remove Aleks’ boxer briefs but Aleks stopped him. The idea of James focusing his attention on him made him feel uncomfortable. He didn’t understand why yet, but he was sure he could distract James enough not to worry about him. 

James looked confused, but Aleks told him he would like to try something. James’ expression turned into slight surprise, but he moved his hands back and let Aleks do what he wanted to do. 

This was the point of no return for Aleks, but he shook off any lingering doubts and tugged James’ boxers off. 

He apparently stared too long at James’ dick, because James asked him if he was okay. Aleks wasn’t sure why he was pausing now; James literally fucked him before. Plus, it’s not like he hadn’t seen dicks. Like any teenage boy, he’s seen his fair share of porn and frat guys are not the most modest creatures. 

Aleks wrapped a clumsy hand around James’ shaft, probably giving him the worst handjob of his life. James looked like he wanted to say something, but Aleks cut him off when he switched to using his mouth. 

Aleks thought a blowjob couldn’t be so hard; he’d gotten them plenty of times from girls. Boy, was he wrong. He didn’t know he had such a hair-trigger gag reflex. He also quickly realized his jaw was going to ache after this. That didn’t stop him though, and James definitely encouraged him with the appreciative noises he was making. 

“Fuck, Aleks, are you sure you haven’t done this before?” James muttered, leaning back against his headboard. 

Aleks didn’t make a noise, but he looked up to meet James’ eyes and that just set James off again. 

“Jesus, you’re going to be the death of me.”

James’ constant stream of praise made Aleks feel warm and pleasantly content until he thought about how he was probably getting off on this. 

Fuck, James found another way to expose a turn-on he had never thought of before. 

James made a warning sound at how close he was, expecting Aleks to back off, but Aleks just kept going, adding his hand to cover what his mouth couldn’t.

The resultant salty flavor wasn’t exactly a reward, but Aleks still swallowed. Spitting was something every frat guy looked down on, so he might as well follow their rules, too. 

He suddenly felt very tired. He hadn’t done a whole lot, but this experiment had opened a few too many doors and he knew he couldn’t shut them again. 

“Shit, Aleksandr, you didn’t have to do that,” James said with a touch of admiration in his tone. 

Aleks found he didn’t have a response besides, “I wanted to.” 

James grabbed him then and pulled him up to the head of the bed with him. He kissed him fiercely, and Aleks wondered if he could taste himself. That thought got lost in the haze of James and Aleks let his fingers twist in James’ hair again. 

How was Aleks supposed to go back to fucking sorority girls now? 

~

Some time passed before anything big happened again. They still filled gaps in their realities with secret rendezvous, but it was nothing new. Aleks avoided allowing James to take control; to reciprocate. He tried to best to distract even if that meant feigning tiredness to convince James he was fine. 

He should have known that ruse would only last so long before James caught on. James wasn’t an idiot and Aleks made the mistake of thinking he could outsmart him. 

It was like any other night at first. Aleks ended up lying shirtless on James’ unmade bed with James holding himself up over him. Aleks wondered why he always ended up being undressed first, but he held the secret notion that James would take as much time as he could to look at his tattoos. 

The fact James cared enough about them already ranked him high above any of the girls he had been with, but he couldn’t safely think about that for long. James couldn’t be ranked and Aleks couldn’t decide if that was because he far surpassed the ranking system or because Aleks wasn’t ready to face that a guy could even end up on the scale. 

James looked wrecked - lips reddened and hair disheveled from the time they spent tangled on his couch. If that was what James looked like, Aleks knew he looked worse. 

Aleks was ready to pull James back down to kiss him, but James stopped him. Aleks had to quell the urge to pout because James was a great kisser and he was clearly missing out now. 

As soon as James opened his mouth, Aleks felt dread drop into his stomach like a lead weight. He figured James was done with him; he had already found the next guy. Aleks knew he was the only one to have such a long fling with James, so the expectation that James would drop him only rose by the day. He had begun to accept the fact he was going to get kicked out of James’ life and he started to wonder where he had even left his shirt. 

“Why don’t you let me do anything?” James interrupted. Aleks had been looking everywhere but James, noticing there was an interesting stain on the ceiling. He wanted to fixate on the stain - pretend James wasn’t there. But he was warm and real and he rested a hand on Aleks’ thigh until Aleks looked back at him. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Aleks replied, willing away the shakiness in his tone. James wasn’t so easily fooled, though, and he barrelled on. 

“You know what I mean, Aleksandr, why don’t you let me reciprocate? You’re always doing things for me. I’m not an asshole in the bedroom despite what other people might say, but you’ve been really pushing me away,” James pried. 

Aleks shoved James off him then. If James wanted him to tell him the truth, he would. He wouldn't like it, but James deserved to know. 

“I’m not gay. Letting you do things to me is gay. I’m not gonna allow that gay shit,” Aleks answered sharply. 

He hated telling James that like he had let someone down, but really what was James doing fooling around with a straight guy anyway? He should’ve known better. 

A myriad of emotions crossed James’ face before he settled on concern. 

“Babe, you realize all of this is gay, right? I’m a guy. You’re a guy,” James punctuated his statement by kissing Aleks again. 

Aleks responded to the kiss without a second thought, but he realized what he was doing. God, how could he have let this go on so long? He had deluded James into thinking he was gay too, and he fucked up in doing so. 

He pulled himself away more forcefully than he intended to and muttered something along the lines of “don’t fucking call me babe” before slipping out of James’ grasp to find his way out. 

He found his shirt tossed haphazardly by the armchair next to the couch and his shoes by the door. He glanced around James’ apartment for a final time, pushing down the immediate guilt and regret he felt. 

The _click_ of the door closing was one of the worst sounds he had ever heard. 


	2. forgive me (i'm a fucking fool)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aleks has a revelation. 
> 
> James fucks up. 
> 
> What else is new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> Your response to my first chapter was incredible! I cannot thank you enough for the comments and the kudos. I read and reread your comments half a dozen times. I'm so glad you like my work! I wanted to upload this sooner, but unfortunately I got sick and I got in over my head with class.
> 
> But we're back now! I hope you enjoy this next (angsty) part. I can't give you fluff just yet, haha. 
> 
> Chapter title comes from Never Be Like You by Flume and this chapter is vaguely inspired by it. You'll come to see that most of my ideas have some sort of musical inspiration. 
> 
> As always, you can find me at jamesrwilsonjr on Tumblr and @bubblegumaleks on Twitter.

A month went by with little to no contact from James. The one time they passed by each other on campus was so tension-filled Aleks pretended to be really into the song playing through his headphones as he made eye contact with the sidewalk. 

As it turned out, James was deadset on ruining his life without even being in it because Aleks found himself reevaluating every questionable encounter he had ever had with a guy. One particular encounter had him reeling even now and that was at least a year ago at this point. 

He had been working on a graphic design project in the student center in his favorite spot under the stairs. The TV was blaring some telecast of a soccer match and the international students had crowded around him, excitedly discussing their favorite teams in Spanish.

He understood about one in twenty-five words spoken thanks to the two years of Spanish he took in high school. Mr. Rodriguez wasn’t exactly the best teacher considering he preferred to put on old animated movies with Spanish subtitles while he played online poker at his desk. 

Aleks had gotten really into his project which is why he startled when someone commented on it suddenly. He turned to look up at whoever interrupted him and he nearly deleted a whole layer of his work in the process. (In hindsight, this should have been his first clue that maybe he wasn’t as straight as he thought he was, but denial was pretty much Aleks’ middle name.)

The guy in question was tall - taller than him easily - and he was smiling at him. Aleks caught himself before he allowed any thoughts about nice his smile was. It didn’t stop the one thought of how the blinding white of his teeth contrasted attractively with his dark skin though and Aleks let denial shove that thought deep down, too. 

“Uh, hey, I’m Gabe, and I just wanted to say I think your stuff looks really awesome, man. If it’s for a grade, I think you deserve a good one,” Gabe said, gesturing to Aleks’ laptop. 

“Nah, dude, my stuff sucks,” Aleks replied dismissively. 

“I don’t think your stuff sucks,” Gabe retorted, clearly annoyed with how Aleks was putting himself down. 

“I’ll suck your stuff,” Aleks muttered, more to himself than anyone else. Once he realized what he actually implied, it was too late. Gabe looked vaguely mortified and Aleks had never wanted to sink into the ground more than in that moment. 

Gabe left without so much as a goodbye and Aleks let himself wallow in his embarrassment as the students around him broke out into a cheer with the announcer yelling _Goal!_ over them all. 

Aleks wondered now if Gabe had been flirting with him and he had just been too in denial to notice. Aleks was letting himself explore the possibility that he may be attracted to guys and he had never been more scared. But then he would remember his time with James and he didn’t feel like he was teetering on the brink anymore - well, until their “breakup” happened. 

They had never really been together - of course not, James didn’t do relationships - but Aleks realized he had never wanted someone back as much as he wanted James and he had never had James in the first place. 

~

James hadn’t had much luck since Aleks left either. He threw himself into his work more than he usually did and he blew off steam playing video games instead of bringing a guy back. On the bright side, his grades were improving and he was able to complete a couple of a games he had been meaning to beat forever now. 

It didn’t mean he didn’t feel lonely. He had never stopped to consider his only friends were Joe from his high school who was still back home and a couple of people he met online. He never hung out with his flings for obvious reasons, but it dawned on him how different Aleks was. 

He actively sought out Aleks’ companionship and he let Aleks stay after their nights together. They had spent many a morning lying together talking about school, Aleks’ fraternity, current events, and the latest video games. 

James would always jokingly belittle Aleks for sinking so much money into CS:GO while Aleks retorted that James spent too much time raging over pointless Mario platformers. James was truly hurt when Aleks admitted he didn’t grow up playing Mario like he had and he had tried to kick Aleks out of bed then, but Aleks refused to budge. James remembered sighing before putting his arms back around Aleks. James thought it was that moment he realized he was in too deep with Aleksandr Marchant - someone he had convinced himself was just another random frat boy encounter. 

James let the fond memories wash over him and he felt the bitterness rise in his throat as he recalled the last time they spent together. He didn’t want to be mad at Aleks for not accepting himself. He didn’t know who had fucked him up that badly to the point of denying his own sexuality, and it let him redirect his anger from Aleks to that unknown entity. He didn’t expect Aleks to come back, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted him to. Yet, he still hoped Aleks managed to find himself. He deserved that much. 

~ 

James fucked up on a Friday night. He had dragged himself out of his apartment, promising himself he wouldn’t spend another weekend eating junk food and binge watching Netflix. There was a party going on at one of the fraternity houses (thankfully, not Aleks’) and he thought maybe he could find someone and put aside his emotional problems for once. 

The party was already well underway when he arrived and he took up a spot against the wall, barely dodging a straight couple making out. He tried to restrain his look of disgust, but he was not sure it really worked in his favor. He was too gay for this, and to be constantly subjected to it only made him feel worse. 

He felt off his game and that was another side effect of spending too much time with Aleks. He had been with Aleks so long; he hadn’t had to find anyone new in awhile. 

To his luck, he wouldn’t have to be one finding someone tonight after all. Some guy leaned heavily on him and whispered some dirty words into his ear and he muttered in agreement. 

He didn’t find the guy entirely attractive, but he noticed belatedly on the way to his apartment that he looked an awful lot like Aleks. Well, skinny and brown hair and eyes and that’s where the resemblance ended. He had too much blank pale skin and James found himself wishing for colorful artwork he knew wouldn’t be there. 

Kissing him felt wrong; It was nothing like how Aleks kissed. James berated himself for continuing to compare this guy to Aleks, but he couldn’t even remember his name, so he found he didn’t care. 

Even fucking him felt mechanical and that was the part James usually enjoyed when he had his one night stands. He was too loud, too clingy, and generally annoying. He was happy when it was over so he could go to sleep. 

The guy took it as an invitation to stay and James just rolled over and pretended he wasn’t there. He could’ve kicked him out, but it was storming outside and he wasn’t that much of an asshole. 

The morning came all too soon and James blinked a couple of times at the light coming in from the window. When he noticed Aleks was next to him, his heart skipped a beat. _When did he get here? Why was he here? Why did James felt an inexplicable happiness at seeing him?_

James called Aleks’ name and the guy who stirred was definitely not Aleks. He sat up and reached for his glasses, putting them on huffily. 

“My name’s Garrett, asshole, but thanks for trying,” he sneered, dressing himself and leaving without another word. 

James was left sitting in bed, wondering how he had let himself get this fucked up. 

He missed Aleks. He could only hope Aleks missed him too. 


	3. oops my baby (you woke up in my bed)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James remembers the first time he met Aleks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> I'm so sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. To make it up to you, I will be posting a second chapter this week (I promise!). 
> 
> This is a look back to when James meets Aleks (and in my AU, Aleks starts with dyed blond hair and he grows his brown back.). If you want to see how I visualize Aleks, [here's a picture](https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/e35/18949766_169214366948893_3846508290083127296_n.jpg) from his Instagram. I literally could not design this character better myself. 
> 
> The chapter title is from Oops by Little Mix which is kinda an anthem for this fic to be honest. 
> 
> As always, you can find me at jamesrwilsonjr on Tumblr and @bubblegumaleks on Twitter! Please come talk to me about my angsty college babies!

James thought of the first time he and Aleks met. It was a regular party with the bass cranked up too high. He didn’t know what it was with frats wanting to burst their eardrums, but he endured it for the free booze. Well, almost free booze. Girls got in for free but he had to pretend to know some dude in the house and even then he had to cough up a five or two. 

He liked this house, because he hooked up with one of the social chairs who claimed he was only experimenting the next morning. He basically could scam his way into any of their parties now without issue. Maybe this time they’d even have some decent beer, not shitty ass Natural Lights. 

The plan was to get buzzed, try not to hook up with a frat boy because they typically suck, and get out of there. He never got drunk, because he wasn’t stupid. Just like he never drank from the punch bowl. Who knows what that shit was laced with? 

Like all ridiculously bad rom-coms his mom made him watch when he was younger (damn being an only child), a shirtless dude with his baseball cap on backwards crashed into him. 

He was skinny and had a remarkable amount of tattoos inked into his pale skin. They were almost entrancing as the bright colors seemed to glow in the dim light. He had one too many cans of beer clutched in his hands and he had a rising pink flush from his neck upwards due to his overindulgence. 

His bleach blond hair contrasted sharply with the black of his hat and the brown of his eyes. As James swept his eyes over the rest of the guy’s frame, he noticed his skinny jeans were just a little too tight and how it created the slightest muffin top. 

This guy was exactly the opposite of his type and yet he couldn’t tear his eyes away. He was what most guys in his circle would call a twink and James most definitely didn’t go for twinks. 

The guy in question suddenly righted himself and scampered off into the horde of people at the call of “Aleks!”. James was a little miffed that this so-called Aleks barely took the time to acknowledge the situation before running off. 

Despite his being annoyed, James realized he wouldn’t mind seeing Aleks again. He wanted to run his hands over those tattoos and see if he sounded as pretty as he looked. 

God, he needed to keep it in his pants. 

~ 

The rest of the night went by rather uneventfully. James snagged a couple more beers, nursing them as he pushed through multiple couples grinding unrhythmically on each other. 

It was nearing the end of the night and the party was winding down. James really needed to find a bathroom and quick, but he knew he’d probably stumble into people fucking or someone puking. Regardless, he wouldn’t make it home so he had to brave it. 

He knocked at the first available and finding no response, he turned the knob. He saw a brief glimpse of blond and heard the accompanying retching. He went to shut the door as quickly as possible. 

“Wait, do you think you think you could find me some water?” the person croaked, sounding rather miserable. 

James took a closer look at them and suddenly recognized it to be the Aleks kid from earlier. 

His hat lay abandoned next to the toilet and he had somehow acquired a t-shirt from when James last saw him. It had some Greek event logo scrawled across the back, his fraternity’s letters standing proudly next to the philanthropy they supported. 

“Yeah, dude, uh, just hold on.”

James returned a couple minutes later with a bottle of water and a few paper towels just in case. He wasn’t sure how his night had ended up like this, but he wasn’t big enough of an asshole to abandon Aleks. 

He passed the bottle to Aleks wordlessly as Aleks hugged the porcelain bowl like it was a lifeline. To him, James guessed it was at this point. 

“I’m James, by the way,” James said to break the silence. 

“I know,” Aleks responded, finally sitting up from his hunched over position. 

“Oh, that’s ni- wait, how do you know me?” James asked, confused. 

“You really think we didn’t hear about Rakesh’s little fling?” Aleks snorted, remembering the fraternity’s social chair’s plight. 

James recalled Rakesh’s hurried gathering of his strewn clothes. He had had scratches on his back for a couple days after that. Rakesh liked it rough. 

“Guess I’m infamous,” James muttered as he ran a hand roughly through his hair. He hadn’t pulled it up like usual and it was everywhere. Thankfully, he had remembered a hair tie and he went to work pulling it into his usual bun. 

“Your hair… uh, it’s nice,” Aleks offered from his position on the floor. 

“If you’re trying to get into my pants, you’re gonna have to try harder than that,” James joked, sliding back down onto the tile. 

“No way, gross, I’m not gay,” Aleks raised his hands defensively before adding more quietly, “not that I have anything against that.” 

“Sure you aren’t, buddy,” James replied easily. It was all the same to him from these guys. 

“Thanks for staying with me or whatever,” Aleks kept his gaze on his beat-up Vans as he felt James assessing him. 

“No problem, it wouldn’t be the first time I helped a twink out of a sticky situation,” James grinned, the alcohol loosening his grip on his brain-to-mouth filter. 

“Dude, I’m not gay!” Aleks protested again. He remained tight-lipped about the fact he knew what a twink was from the “accidental” gay porn he watched that one time. 

“Give me your phone,” James demanded, holding out a hand. 

“Don’t you have one of your own? Use that,” Aleks brushed him off brusquely, trying to quell his embarrassment at being called a twink. 

“Wanna give you my number,” James replied, spotting Aleks’ phone in his back pocket. He reached over and plucked it effortlessly from Aleks’ grasp. 

James typed his number in and saved it under “Your Knight In Shining Armor”. 

“Now you’ll know where to find me,” James got up and left without so much as a goodbye. 

~ 

When a drunken text from Aleks came in at fifteen past midnight the next week to come get him, James discovered Aleks actually sounded prettier than he looked.


	4. try try try to follow the rules (i break all the rules for boys like you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aleks realizes that maybe this relationship is more than just sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how many of y'all are ready to jump ship? I'm sorry. My wifi has been crazy and then I was jetlagged coming back from China. 
> 
> I'm uploading a second chapter immediately after this! I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Title is from Boys Like You by Who Is Fancy. 
> 
> As always, you can find me at jamesrwilsonjr on Tumblr and @bubblegumaleks on Twitter.

A knock resounded on James’ apartment door late one Thursday night. James wasn’t asleep yet; he didn’t sleep much these days. 

He didn’t know who to expect, but it certainly wasn’t Aleks. He stood there, unwaveringly confident - a strange look for Aleks. Not that James didn’t think Aleks couldn’t be confident, but he never looked like that when they were together. 

“What you do want, Aleks?” James asked, already feeling tired. 

“You,” Aleks answered simply, staring directly at him. 

James was so blindsided by the clarity and finality in his tone he forgot everything that had gone wrong previously. 

“We shouldn’t; you’re probably drunk. You need to go home,” James tried to sound assertive, but his hesitancy crept into his tone. 

With that, he tried to shut the door in Aleks’ face which was a childish move, but he could already feel his resolve weakening. Aleks’ arm shot out and kept the door propped open. 

“I’m sober. I’ve never been more sober in my life. I want you,” Aleks repeated. 

James knew that drunk Aleks would have never been able to keep his door open, so he believed him. That didn’t mean he wanted Aleks in his doorway still. 

Aleks continued, “Tell me you don’t want this. Tell me you don’t want me, and I’ll leave you alone. I won’t come back. It will be like what we had never existed.” 

Whatever was holding James back broke then and James pulled Aleks into his apartment by the arm. 

“Of course I fucking want you. I haven’t stopped thinking about you, and you’re ruining me,” James growled, pausing only to rip Aleks’ shirt off. 

“That’s a nice shirt, James!” Aleks complained, but his complaints were quickly muffled by James kissing him. 

“Looks like I don’t care, doesn’t it, Aleksandr?” James smirked. 

“Don’t call me that. I…” Aleks trailed off, too flustered to continue. 

“Use your words, Aleksandr,” James said, leaning down to leave a mark on the expanse of skin in front of him.

With the new bruise blooming across his shoulder, Aleks felt the roles flip dramatically. The façade of dominance he had held at the door shattered instantly as he felt himself grow breathless at James’ actions. 

“I can’t tell if I liked the Aleks out there or the Aleks here better,” James mused, observing the way Aleks had pressed himself against the wall and was there for James to take and ruin. 

Soon, the desire overcame them both as they struggled to make their way to James’ bedroom, navigating the mess that was James’ floor. 

Aleks lowered himself down on the bed, pushing James back onto the pillows in the process. James’ eyes lit up again and he pulled Aleks back for a kiss before rummaging through his bedside drawer. 

James found what he was looking for and he went to tear open the package open with his teeth before making a disgusted face.

“Fuck, dude, these are the strawberry flavored condoms I swiped from health services when I ran out. They’re so fucking gross,” James spit, wiping his mouth. 

Here Aleks was straddling a half dressed James in bed and he could barely suppress the snort he had at James’ reaction. 

If James were literally anyone else, Aleks would be annoyed and maybe even a little frustrated that they ruined the moment. The heated exchange they had earlier was long gone, but Aleks found he didn’t mind at all which should have set off a number of alarms. 

He instead focused his attention on James and bent to kiss him before he said something stupid like _I’m in love with you._ He wasn’t in love with James - he _couldn’t_ be. James was a distraction from the general craziness in his life, nothing more. 

Swallowing down the apparent love declaration trapped in his chest, Aleks tangled his hands back in James’ hair and decided that maybe he could demonstrate how he felt rather than say it. He could never actually say it. 

It was still unbelievably unfair that James got away with being such a fantastic kisser. 


	5. i hate that i love you (don't want to but i can't put nobody else above you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spending time with James was a bittersweet pill Aleks couldn't help but swallow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short but much-needed chapter! 
> 
> Title is from i hate u i love u by gnash. 
> 
> I love you guys!!
> 
> As always, you can find me at jamesrwilsonjr on Tumblr and @bubblegumaleks on Twitter.

Dodging his fraternity brothers’ incessant questioning about where he was the night before became a chore Aleks didn’t care to deal with. It was especially hard when it was obvious he hadn’t gone back with someone after a party considering he never showed up at their house parties anymore. 

Spending time with James became a weekly occurrence that turned into near-daily visits. Aleks always came over to James’ apartment, fearing the retribution he might face from his brothers if he were to show up anywhere with James. James was already out and labeled and Aleks didn’t want to be shoved in that box with him. It seemed dark and scary and Aleks was claustrophobic enough as is. 

Aleks thought all they had in common was sex, but as they spent more time outside the bedroom, he found himself questioning that stance. James had lugged all of his consoles from his house and had a collection of games that was enviable. 

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re just using me for my sweet setup,” James joked, lazily watching Aleks kill another enemy onscreen. 

“I’d say the same except you make me bring my own controllers,” Aleks retorted. 

“It’s not my fault you’re a sweaty fuck. You’d ruin mine, asshole,” James said.

“I hate you; you’re so fucking annoying,” Aleks muttered, mashing another button forcefully. 

James maneuvered his head into Aleks’ lap making him to move his arms out of the way. 

“No, you don’t,” James replied cheerfully as he gazed up at Aleks who was trying to desperately conceal a smile. 

“Don’t you have compsci homework to do or something? Go code a robot and leave me alone,” Aleks attempted to shove James off of him. 

James refused to budge and grinned at Aleks’ halfhearted attempts to move him. James could be a real asshole when he wanted to, but Aleks’ stupid brain associated James’ behavior with fondness. 

He just hoped that James would never find out how fond he really was. 


	6. i think of you whenever i'm alone (so please don't go)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a party. Alcohol is involved. Irreparable damage is done. Can they move past this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guess who's back with the irregular updates? It's ya girl. 
> 
> College hit me super hard so I know it's been a little over a month and I'm really sorry about that. I want to give you the best possible work and I think I really pulled it off with this chapter. It's about 1.5k so a nice long chapter!! Please tell me what you think. 
> 
> WARNINGS: homophobic slurs/behavior 
> 
> Chapter title is from Please Don't Go by Joel Adams!
> 
> As always, you can find me at jamesrwilsonjr on Tumblr and @bubblegumaleks on Twitter. I also created a fic twitter @twinkaleks where I'll tweet about fic progress and random headcanons!

He should’ve known better. He should’ve known that he couldn’t hide the fact that he hadn’t brought a girl back in _shit_ , two months now. He used to find a girl every weekend and now here he was like a fucking lovesick puppy over James. 

His fraternity brothers weren’t going to buy the dry spell excuse much longer and he knew it. He’d known deep down the entire time he spent with James. Every minute was an admission of guilt and he couldn’t take them back. 

Friday rolled around pretty normally. James had asked him to come over that morning, but Aleks had fired off a reply saying he’d have to stick around at his house that night. If James just so happened by his fraternity, well, that was a different story. 

The football team had just pulled off an impressive victory and all the fraternities were throwing huge parties to celebrate. It’d be a surprise if a couple of them didn’t get busted for underage drinking, but police tended to keep a low profile as long as no one made a public spectacle. 

Aleks had been tasked with getting the word out about the party and to make sure they got the hottest sorority girls. He mentally crossed off a couple houses right off the bat. He was their best marketing guy and he knew how to make their house look good. If that meant keeping some girls away, he’d make that executive decision. 

He invited his whole friends list to the Facebook event he’d created in about five minutes flat. Following that up with what he hoped seemed like a sly invitation to James, he felt satisfied with what he had accomplished. 

He’d get to see James tonight and maybe drink some godawful punch. His brothers liked to drown the Everclear they smuggled in with a bunch of fruit juices that sometimes tasted good, sometimes not so much. Whatever their concoction was, it was meant to get everyone drunker faster. 

Not that he needed to be drunk with James anymore. That was a hard pill to swallow when he came to that conclusion, but being sober around James made the experience about ten times more enjoyable. He chalked it up to a better grasp on his surroundings, nothing more. 

~ 

His economics class could not go any slower. His professor was actually just a PhD student who could not care less if they learned the material or not. She modeled her example problems off her own partying days, regaling them with tales of her wild nightly exploits. She fondly recalled the parties where she was there sundown to sunup, waiting outside the liquor store’s doors till opening to buy more alcohol. 

Aleks hoped he would never get as bad as her. He guessed she was accomplished now, but the idea of going on twelve hour binges regularly made him shudder. He’d blacked out a couple times, and he learned not to trust anyone to take care of him. 

Last time he blacked out, the girl he had been with stole what little cash he had in his wallet and his student ID. It was a total bitch to get that replaced, especially because it granted him access to multiple buildings. 

When the final minutes ticked by and his professor called out to the huddle of students filing out of the auditorium to loosen up a little this weekend, he pulled out his phone to check the status of his event. A good couple hundred had decided they would be attending and another fifty or so said they might stop by. 

The name _James Wilson_ was on the list of attending and it brought a smile to his face. This party couldn’t suck as much as he had thought it would. He passed the numbers on to the social chair, feeling confident that he had pulled off this major party. 

~ 

The party started without a hitch. People flooded their house and red Solo cups littered their front yard, making crunching sounds as they got trampled underfoot. 

The fruity smell of the punch wafted throughout the rooms as tipsy girls clutched their plastic cups and guys eagerly drained bottles of cheap beer. 

Aleks scrunched his nose in disgust as the sickly sweet scent permeated even the furthest reaches of the house. He greeted a few brothers in passing as they had girls hanging off them.

He turned at the sound of his name - _his full name_ \- and let himself smile if only for a second. 

James came from around the corner and he grinned broadly. Aleks went to go greet him with the weird gesture that is the bro-hug. Maybe the unnecessary slapping on the back cancelled out the gay? Hell if Aleks would know.

He’d already been way more intimate with James than that would ever be, but no one around him needed to know that. They engaged in pleasantries about the previous week as they hadn’t seen each other face to face in quite some time. 

“How much did you miss me?” James teased, slinging an arm around Aleks’ shoulders. Aleks needed to shrug him off, needed not to be seen with him. He needed to go and yet he couldn’t. 

James was the magnetic north pole and Aleks was the south and even Aleks knew opposites attract. 

_What an analogy, you fuckin’ dweeb. Guess Dr. Webster really did drill physics into your head._

Aleks soaked up the individual attention James was paying to him, knowing James would typically be surveying the room for someone else to take home. But James was here for him and him alone. The thought made him glow and he had to suppress it before it turned him gay by association. 

The happy moment could only last so long. Looking back, Aleks should’ve realized that. But he was so goddamn caught up in how James made him feel that he ignored all the warning signs. 

He had been laughing at a stupid joke James made about some other fraternity when he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder from behind. 

“Hey, Aleks, I see you’re talking to _him_ ,” Josh indicated James with a jerk of his head. 

All previous happy feelings Aleks might’ve had dried up in an instant. He only felt dread and impending doom well up in his stomach. Anxiety knotted his insides and threatened to make him throw up every ounce of alcohol he had already drank. 

Josh was on the exec board of Aleks’ fraternity and was responsible for making sure they maintained their social image. What Aleks was doing was exactly what Josh would not want to see. Everyone knew James and James knew everyone. It wasn’t a big college and the name James Wilson held a reputation that preceded James himself far before he even walked in the door. 

“I was just going,” Aleks managed to reply. He made a move like he was about to head in the other direction. He refused to meet James’ eyes - refused to see how disappointed James would be in him. 

Not that he should even give a fuck. James Wilson didn’t have any reason to think their relationship was any different and Aleks would refute any claims instantly. 

“You fuckin’ gay, Aleks? Is that what this is? God, all the girls I sent your way and this is how you fucking repay me - by being a queer,” Josh spat angrily, shoving Aleks away from him. 

“N-no, no, _no_ , I’m straight,” Aleks replied defensively, edging slowly away from Josh and consequently James. 

Aleks struggled to find words to stem Josh’s drunken anger and stop him from causing a bigger scene. James hadn’t budged, his presence challenging Aleks daring him to do something. 

So do something Aleks did. His mouth filled with poisonous words - poison that had been eating him from the inside since the day he met James - and he let it go. He let the words fall from his mouth, hoping for it all to be over. 

“Why would I hang out with a faggot? He’s not worth any of my time. He probably spends all his time on his knees anyway,” Aleks said with as much confidence as he could muster. 

James looked crestfallen if only for a second before he steeled himself again. He pushed roughly past Josh and Aleks, muttering something like “Hope you’re happy, Aleksandr”. 

Aleks realized immediately what he just did wasn’t worth it. It was like all the light had been sucked out of the room and was leaving with James’ every step towards the exit. He wanted to stop him. He wanted to run. He wanted to be in James’ arms again. But he was frozen, chained to the floor by his own regret and all for the approval of a drunken asshole he called his brother. 

He wasn’t sure he would ever thaw. 


End file.
